Posts Tagged Abuse

Should I Have Thrown out my Parents?


I inherited a house I lived in for 12 years with my family, from my grandpa for taking care of him until his death. My parents constantly state that I stole the house from them.

My father lost his job and they moved in with us. They constantly verbally abuse me front of my children calling me improper names. My brother also moved in with his PitBull who attacked my 12 year old daughter and killed her guinea pig front of her. It took me 3 hours to calm her and my parents response was it was my daughters fault for holding her pet. I asked my brother to remove the dog.

We took my daughter on vacation so she can rest from he trauma; I asked my parents to please make sure the dog’s belonging is gone when we return. It was not; therefore I asked my father why very nicely and he attacked me. I had 5 witnesses and he swore that I will never be able to keep my house he will make sure of it. I asked him to leave the house and never came back. This is not the only time he has treated me this way. He hit me until I was 21 and when I was pregnant he cursed my child in my stomach hoping she would die front of strangers on the street. My mom also blames me for how my brother turned out. She says it is all my faoult because when I was 16 I worked too much instead of raising him right while she was at work.

I know I am abused but they always make me feel guilty and I forgive them. This time I am protecting my children who I raise with love and respect. Did I do the right thing by throwing my parents out? Also, I never asked my brother to leave but he broke many things in the house and told me he never wants to see us again. Should I report the incident to the police? Pitt-bull attack and vandalism?

A: Please listen to your own good sense. You are living in an environment of domestic violence. Just because these people are related to you does not, not, not mean that they are entitled to abuse you emotionally, verbally, and physically. You have been worn down to the point that you can no longer see clearly how badly you are being treated and you accept the blaming and shaming. You have nothing to apologize for! The abuse is now being extended to your daughter. Let the tiger-mom in you come out. She needs your protection.

You can’t just tell these people to leave. They will make you miserable. They’ve already shown they are capable of violence. You need support and legal help to separate you from this family safely. Please look at this website to learn how to go about getting the help you need.

If your family has access to this computer, delete this message and your inbox history and use the computer at your library or at a friend’s house to explore your options.

These people are dangerous. Protect yourself and your daughter.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Feeling Worthless on Stage


So I’m a singer and actress. im on stage all the time at my school but everytime i try and do something right, someone else does it better and makes me feel like im nothing. The teachers dont do anything about it. People bully me and pick on me and i cant take it anymore. i cant do what i love if people treat me like dirt. No one seems to see what im able to do and how much talent i have. Im not the one to get jelous, i never do but its hard when so many people hate you.

A. If you have not reported the bullying behavior of your peers to school authorities, then do so immediately. If your teachers won’t listen, then report it to the principal or the guidance counselor, or whomever will listen. In many schools throughout the country, there is a “no tolerance” policy with regard to bullying. That essentially means that no bullying will be tolerated from any student, under any circumstances and the offender shall be punished accordingly.

The other aspect of this problem is “feeling worthless on stage.” Those feelings may be related to low self-esteem. If you do not have high regard for yourself, then you may minimize your talents and abilities. Just because you feel “worthless” does mean that you are worthless. Your self-evaluation is likely inaccurate and based on a low opinion of yourself.

Many people are convinced that they know what other people think about them, when in reality they do not. Try not to make assumptions.

It takes time to develop self-esteem. Self-esteem is derived from competence and life accomplishments. I would encourage you to focus on your development as an actress and as a singer and practice often. Try not to be concerned about what other people think of you, and speak to your parents or the school about the bullying problems. I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Can Partner Lose His Interest in Boys?


I have a partner and we have been together for 15 years. I was 18 when we met and he was 33. Our whole relationship we have struggled with his attraction to younger men. He dated a 16 year old for 6 months when he was 31. We have went to a therapist over it and they have told me that since he has been with me he has not made any advances onto a young boy. But I catch him watching 12 year old boys wrestle, kiss or anything else he can find on youtube. I am not sure what to do. I love him and we have a life together, but this worries me.

A: It should worry you. Being sexually aroused by young boys is not a benign paraphilia. A young person could get hurt. Your partner could land in jail. At 18, you fulfilled his fantasy of being with a young boy – and you were legal. I’m concerned that 15 years later, now that you are clearly an adult, sex with you may not be enough to gratify him.

It is true that as long as someone has strong impulse control, he may never cross the line. However, some of the leading researchers who study pedophilia believe that indulging in watching such videos is a slippery slope. It encourages an objectification of young boys and reduces the older person’s ability to empathize with what they might feel if he approached them. Further, being with a lover is not a reliable deterrent for inappropriate or illegal sexual activity.

It’s not enough to hope that because he’s with you, he won’t act on his impulses. It’s important that he has a clear plan for staying on the right side of the line. That includes having empathy for children, having a well articulated plan for keeping children and himself safe, and being clear that he does have control over his choices. If that hasn’t been talked about specifically in therapy, it should be. If the therapist isn’t comfortable with a frank and detailed conversation about it, please find a therapist with expertise in the issue.

People do have control over their proclivities. But they have to be committed to it. I hope your partner is being honest with himself and with you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Commitment-Phobic?


I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months…One month of which was when he broke up with me in late March and we got back together in late April.
When I first met him, he said something along the lines of “Girls are LUCKY if they ever meet my friends and family.” I didn’t give much thought to it, because I thought, well, maybe he’s just saying that.
When we broke up in March, he dumped me saying I had too many demands and he couldn’t provide the love that I needed. When we got back together in late April, it turned out that he said he did a lot of thinking and couldn’t let me go because he “saw me in his future.” Still in love with him, I got back together with him.
Well, one day, I was cleaning his room (which I HAVE NEVER done for another man in my life ever before–I wanted to show him how special he is) and I noticed two hairpins on his end table that were not mine. I also noticed that the condoms he said “he ran out and bought because he was afraid of getting me pregnant while I started the birth control pills” were suddenly gone from the windowsill where they were a week ago…..I hate to say it, but 2 months into our relationship, we weren’t using condoms, and we still aren’t. (I got tested last week and am clear…but now I’m rethinking the non condom thing…stupid..I know).
So, my suspicions started. The next week, alone in his room (He lets me stay alone and sleep in in his apartment when we go out sun night, or a week night while he works–I have a weird not-too-typical schedule). So, I snooped. Yes. I did:( And, in a suitcase he uses as extra storage for his clothes, I found the clinic condoms that had been taken from the windowsill along with a box of Trojans (a ten count box) with only 4 condoms left. There was also an empty Trojan wrapper in with the rest of the condoms. Along with that, were my earrings and panties I had left a week before. Keep in mind, we have not used a condom since March, and before we got back together in April he moved from one apartment to a new one. Next, yes, snooped again:(, I checked his wallet (He didn’t bring it to work with him–just cash in his pocket). In his wallet was a condom and a card to an escort in the area he lives.
The following week when he got up to use the bathroom, I looked back in the wallet, and I noticed an additional condom put into the wallet (one was missing from the pocket in the suitcase) and the escort card was gone. I confronted him about all the condoms, and the wrapper, but I never mentioned the escort card–I still don’t know why I didn’t.
His explanations were: “Those were old clinic condoms I put back in there that we were gonna use.” Then he said the box was old and he just found it recently. When I pressed him about the condom wrapper, he said it was old. I said “Then why is the lube wet in it?” He finally said, in April, before we got back together, that he slept with a one night stand from a bar, and that must be the wrapper from the one night stand. He said silicone lube can stay wet if enclosed in a dark suitcase. True. I called the condom company, and they confirmed it can happen if its in a dark place:( yes, I know, already, sounds like I don’t trust him. When I asked about the wallet, he said that he carries condoms in his wallet because his brother who suffers from schizophrenia (paranoid type) checks his wallet to see if he has condoms every time he visits him to make sure that he is protected during sex because if he doesn’t he’ll tell the mother and the mother will get angry because he already got a girl pregnant. (I also know about his son and his sons mom–he visits every Friday, sometimes fri and sat). I said, “well doesn’t your brother know we do it at your place, and you’re with me?” He said, “He doesn’t believe things he cannot see.”
Okay, so that’s that part of it. Now, he won’t introduce me to his family because he says that it has to be over a year until I meet them. he says he won’t introduce me to his friends because, well, before we got back together in April, he said I needed “tweaking” I told him to accept me like I am or not, and then he stopped saying that when we got back together. Then he said his friends are busy all the time, and now he says I can’t meet them, because his friends are “stupid.” Okay, so we go on dates, but since we’ve been arguing about these issues, he rarely initiates calling me/texting me–unless I ask repeatedly. He says its because, every time I have seen him in the past two months, we have had a disagreement.
When I have confronted him, he says he does this with every girlfriend he has been with–it takes a while to meet ppl he knows.
I feel confused. The not calling, texting, and the random circumstantial evidence in his room–is it cheating? Or is it just typical guy forgetfulness sloppiness and distance from fighting too much?
And not introducing….does he really do this with everyone, or is it just with me? because I’m embarrassing, or a dirty little secret on the side? Please help! My last long term relationship was highly physically abusive (he knows this) and I just want a loving fulfilled one. Although, I still have extreme anxiety–I’m not perfect at all, either.

A: Hmmm – Let’s review: Hairpins that are not yours, condoms you aren’t using are missing, new condoms have been used and the wrapper for one is there, he is with his ex every Friday when he visits his son, and keeps a rubber in his wallet to keep his brother happy. Won’t introduce you to his friends or family and rarely calls or texts you.

What is it you love about this guy?

The bottom line is you just want a loving, fulfilled relationship. Without assuming he will change one bit — can you tolerate everything the way it is? If not, it is time to give him his walking papers.

But if you can tolerate it, a couples counselor may be necessary to help with the issues. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you find one in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Is My Close Friend a Stalker ?


My close platonic male friend has been following me to meetings as he says he did not the buiding whereabouts, he google mapped it and showed up. I have caught him driving past my house a few times when he has nor reason to be in the area as we live 7 miles apart, in different towns. He has a need to be around me all the time that I tarted to feel suffocated by him. He get jealous of my other male friends and invites himself along to social get togethers that I have been invited to.

I asked him about his behaviour one night a few weeks ago in my kitchen, he became very defensive then took out my chef knife from the knife block on the worktop started twirling the sharp edge around his fingers and said to me; did you know I had a knife fascination with knives when I was younger, he was calm when he said it, it put a chill right through me, he also said he has my finernail clippings and a lock of my hair from when I was 17 in his old bedroom at his mothers house, he now has his own place.

I set up a nanny cam in my house this week, and I caught him sneaking around my house when I wasn’t in, I have since shanged my locks. I thought he was a kind person, very nice wouldn’t harm me in anyway, now i think I see him for who or what he is, and am I possibly in danger from him?

A: From all you said, I do agree. I think you are in serious danger. You may think you have a platonic relationship but he’s obsessed. There is nothing healthy about the situation.

I’m glad you changed your locks. I’m not at all confident that is sufficient. I’m worried. If you withdraw from him, he may well escalate. I think you need more protection than a lock on the door.

Please don’t try to handle this on your own. You’ve never been in a situation like this before so, of course, you don’t know what to do. But the police and crisis teams do have experience to draw on. Talk to people who can offer you the protection and practical help you need. Do consider staying somewhere safe while you work this situation through.

By writing to us and by changing the locks, you took some important first steps toward self-preservation. Now, please, take the next one and go talk to the authorities.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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