Posts Tagged Control
I have a partner and we have been together for 15 years. I was 18 when we met and he was 33. Our whole relationship we have struggled with his attraction to younger men. He dated a 16 year old for 6 months when he was 31. We have went to a therapist over it and they have told me that since he has been with me he has not made any advances onto a young boy. But I catch him watching 12 year old boys wrestle, kiss or anything else he can find on youtube. I am not sure what to do. I love him and we have a life together, but this worries me.
A: It should worry you. Being sexually aroused by young boys is not a benign paraphilia. A young person could get hurt. Your partner could land in jail. At 18, you fulfilled his fantasy of being with a young boy – and you were legal. I’m concerned that 15 years later, now that you are clearly an adult, sex with you may not be enough to gratify him.
It is true that as long as someone has strong impulse control, he may never cross the line. However, some of the leading researchers who study pedophilia believe that indulging in watching such videos is a slippery slope. It encourages an objectification of young boys and reduces the older person’s ability to empathize with what they might feel if he approached them. Further, being with a lover is not a reliable deterrent for inappropriate or illegal sexual activity.
It’s not enough to hope that because he’s with you, he won’t act on his impulses. It’s important that he has a clear plan for staying on the right side of the line. That includes having empathy for children, having a well articulated plan for keeping children and himself safe, and being clear that he does have control over his choices. If that hasn’t been talked about specifically in therapy, it should be. If the therapist isn’t comfortable with a frank and detailed conversation about it, please find a therapist with expertise in the issue.
People do have control over their proclivities. But they have to be committed to it. I hope your partner is being honest with himself and with you.
I wish you well.
I feel like I am being controlled by the man in my head named Simon. He is new. The other ones aren’t here now, he just came. I intended on it anyways, but yesterday when I put a razor inside my private area, I was fine you know, it felt good. The. It felt like Simon took over my hand and he cut and cut, and I only saw blood. And he told me he’d do it every night until he stopped. I’m ging to tell my therapist, I just dunno what to do till then. I’m on my medicines right. I don’t like being I trouble so I can’t tell anyone, they might send me away again. I just need some advice please. I cry and he keeps yelling and if I do anything he yells more and says bad thing and it’s gonna be worse next time. I’m scared, and I hope you’ll answer this, thanx.
A. I would recommend calling your therapist or your psychiatrist immediately. They may be able to assist you before your next appointment. This is a serious problem that should not be ignored. You feel compelled to cut yourself and have done so already. You have lost your ability to control your behavior. This is a situation where you need to be safe and you should not fear the hospitalization, if necessary, that will protect you.
You should consider going to the hospital. You may not require inpatient hospitalization. The hospital staff can keep you safe until you feel as though you can control your behavior. The staff at the hospital may also be able to adjust your medication which could significantly reduce your hallucinations and desire to cut. Perhaps they can even contact your psychiatrist or therapist who could guide them in adjusting your medication. Please don’t ignore this problem and make an effort to receive emergency assistance. I hope you’re able to receive the help that will make you safe.