Posts Tagged Relationships

Should I Have Thrown out my Parents?


I inherited a house I lived in for 12 years with my family, from my grandpa for taking care of him until his death. My parents constantly state that I stole the house from them.

My father lost his job and they moved in with us. They constantly verbally abuse me front of my children calling me improper names. My brother also moved in with his PitBull who attacked my 12 year old daughter and killed her guinea pig front of her. It took me 3 hours to calm her and my parents response was it was my daughters fault for holding her pet. I asked my brother to remove the dog.

We took my daughter on vacation so she can rest from he trauma; I asked my parents to please make sure the dog’s belonging is gone when we return. It was not; therefore I asked my father why very nicely and he attacked me. I had 5 witnesses and he swore that I will never be able to keep my house he will make sure of it. I asked him to leave the house and never came back. This is not the only time he has treated me this way. He hit me until I was 21 and when I was pregnant he cursed my child in my stomach hoping she would die front of strangers on the street. My mom also blames me for how my brother turned out. She says it is all my faoult because when I was 16 I worked too much instead of raising him right while she was at work.

I know I am abused but they always make me feel guilty and I forgive them. This time I am protecting my children who I raise with love and respect. Did I do the right thing by throwing my parents out? Also, I never asked my brother to leave but he broke many things in the house and told me he never wants to see us again. Should I report the incident to the police? Pitt-bull attack and vandalism?

A: Please listen to your own good sense. You are living in an environment of domestic violence. Just because these people are related to you does not, not, not mean that they are entitled to abuse you emotionally, verbally, and physically. You have been worn down to the point that you can no longer see clearly how badly you are being treated and you accept the blaming and shaming. You have nothing to apologize for! The abuse is now being extended to your daughter. Let the tiger-mom in you come out. She needs your protection.

You can’t just tell these people to leave. They will make you miserable. They’ve already shown they are capable of violence. You need support and legal help to separate you from this family safely. Please look at this website to learn how to go about getting the help you need.

If your family has access to this computer, delete this message and your inbox history and use the computer at your library or at a friend’s house to explore your options.

These people are dangerous. Protect yourself and your daughter.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Can Partner Lose His Interest in Boys?


I have a partner and we have been together for 15 years. I was 18 when we met and he was 33. Our whole relationship we have struggled with his attraction to younger men. He dated a 16 year old for 6 months when he was 31. We have went to a therapist over it and they have told me that since he has been with me he has not made any advances onto a young boy. But I catch him watching 12 year old boys wrestle, kiss or anything else he can find on youtube. I am not sure what to do. I love him and we have a life together, but this worries me.

A: It should worry you. Being sexually aroused by young boys is not a benign paraphilia. A young person could get hurt. Your partner could land in jail. At 18, you fulfilled his fantasy of being with a young boy – and you were legal. I’m concerned that 15 years later, now that you are clearly an adult, sex with you may not be enough to gratify him.

It is true that as long as someone has strong impulse control, he may never cross the line. However, some of the leading researchers who study pedophilia believe that indulging in watching such videos is a slippery slope. It encourages an objectification of young boys and reduces the older person’s ability to empathize with what they might feel if he approached them. Further, being with a lover is not a reliable deterrent for inappropriate or illegal sexual activity.

It’s not enough to hope that because he’s with you, he won’t act on his impulses. It’s important that he has a clear plan for staying on the right side of the line. That includes having empathy for children, having a well articulated plan for keeping children and himself safe, and being clear that he does have control over his choices. If that hasn’t been talked about specifically in therapy, it should be. If the therapist isn’t comfortable with a frank and detailed conversation about it, please find a therapist with expertise in the issue.

People do have control over their proclivities. But they have to be committed to it. I hope your partner is being honest with himself and with you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Husband is Driving Me Crazy


Everytime time i talk to my husband i get mad or aggravated with him. We have been togther a total of 4 years almost 5. i had to deal with him emotional cheating on me which i am not really over with cause the lack of trust. He would go on all types of websites and chats to find women talk to time while i was alseep, at work or anytime i was away he keeps on doing it even when i was giving birth to our second child. I ask him to stop and tell him it hurts me and even got to a point of me crying.

So now im trying to make it work with him cause he claim he stop. when i talk to him i feel like he talks to me with disrecpect. For examples l say i am going to talk a shower and he says good for you or i say your starting to make me upset and he says i am not your making your self upset . I always seem to get sacrastic or smart comments. I am a very strong woman and i always say what i have to but it like i am talking to a kid. I thought it could be a age difference cause im 23 and he is 31. I think he thinks i am young and dumb but i am far far from that. What should i do? I am at a lost.

A: I am very glad you wrote. Your marriage doesn’t have the foundation of trust and respect it needs. You may be strong, but with two children at only 23, you haven’t had the time to develop yourself or your marriage. You two don’t seem to know how to talk to each other or support each other. My guess is that you’re both stressed out.

I strongly suggest that you get some couples counseling. If you and your husband could solve these problems on your own, you would have done so already. Neither one of you is getting what you need in a marriage. Your children need parents who are more respectful and loving with each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Do I Have an Issue?


Hi, I’m 14. I’ve been in high school for about a year now. I started becoming very very lonely. I used to go out with my “friends”. Now I stay home every single day & it’s summer. I sometimes cry myself to sleep because I feel so unwanted! My parents are divorce, I live with my dad & my dad HATES my mom. I haven’t seen my mom in 4 years. Witch probably makes me so emotional. I sometimes even cry because I don’t think I feel love or understood by anyone. I don’t like talking a bout my feelings to people because I feel unwanted, I feel like they won’t care. I keep so much to myself. It brakes me. I believe my dad is Bi-Polar & has anger issues, witch could be a reason why I get mad very easy. I hate my body so much! I’m fat! Im very insecure. I have so much emotion in me. I’m always sad, I could be happy for one minute then back to sad. I also sleep my whole day away.

A. It seems as though you may be experiencing symptoms of depression. You have negative thoughts, you don’t feel good about yourself and you are withdrawing from friends and family. Your feelings may be related to the breakup of your parents’ marriage or their contentious relationship. They may be so focused on battling each other that they are neglecting your emotional needs.

Another aspect of this problem is that you have been without your mother for four years. It is unclear why you have not seen your mother for such a long time but this likely is contributing to your problems.

I would strongly advise you to speak to your father or other members of your family about the possibility of professional help. Don’t ignore these problems. Your symptoms need to be addressed. It seems as though your father is currently unable to meet your emotional needs and if that is the case, then you should seek help from a mental health professional. A therapist can assist you in developing coping skills and the processing of your feelings in a psychologically healthy way.

If you feel uncomfortable approaching your father about this issue, then as soon as school begins next month, speak to a guidance counselor. The guidance counselor could assist you in addressing these problems or refer you to a mental health professional.

In the meantime, force yourself to be in the presence of others. That may not be easy but do it anyway. The less that you are isolated, the better. Isolation increases the likelihood of negative feelings. I would also encourage you to begin writing in a journal. A journal could be helpful in a number of ways including being a release for your emotions and documenting your symptoms. When and if you have the opportunity to meet with a mental health professional, having those notes from your journal could greatly assist the therapist in determining what might be wrong. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Is Boyfriend Stringing Me Along?


Okay, so I’ve been talking to this boy for about 2 months now and as far as I was concerned everything was perfect. He’s totally successful, smart, funny, and everything I’m attracted to in a guy. Not to mention, the attraction is completely equal on both our parts. We’ve texted every day since we met, and even though we live 45 minutes away from each other, he still makes time to come see me at least once a week.

Lately, however, I’ve been feeling really confused. His text messages are a lot shorter, and usually consist of 1-3 texts between the two of us. I’m not the girl to blow up a guys phone, so normally I just let it go and wait for his text the next day or whenever he decides to talk to me again. It sounds pathetic on my part, but I’m not going to make a big deal out of nothing when it could be just him being a crap texter. Anyways, these past two weeks he’s still been texting me every day but sometimes when I respond to his text message…he’ll just drop off the face of the earth. He won’t respond to me at all, and I won’t even hear from him till the next day.

He also hasn’t made the effort to come see me at ALL in the past 2 weeks…I’m confused as to why he’s even wasting his time texting me if all he’s not even interested in actually talking to me. Is he stringing me along? We’ve already had sex and I think that’s why I’m getting myself so worked up about this….hopefully someone can solve the pieces to my puzzle here because it’s driving me INSANE.

A: During the first couple of months of dating, most new couples are obsessed with each other. Once that first blush of romance is over, a more realistic rhythm for the relationship sets in. You say this man is successful. That means he puts time and energy and focus into his work. He can’t do that and be totally available to you. For that matter, you can’t be successful at your work either if you are texting all the time.

It’s not at all unreasonable for adults who have careers and interests to only text or talk to each other once a day or to see each other once a week (as an example). What is unreasonable is not talking about what is reasonable.

You and your guy need to have a clear conversation about where this relationship is going and what you need from each other. What you see as only keeping contact may be making him feel crowded. What he sees as reasonable contact is, quoting you, “driving you insane.” There’s no right number of texts or talks or dates needed to make a relationship work. What is needed is an agreement that is comfortable for both of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Inability to Trust


I come from a very driven family and have always felt the need to be perfect, accomplished and intelligent.I have frequently accused of over-thinking things. Up until the last year or two, this condition has not bothered me. Recently however, it has started to severly hinder my life. I cannot trust my family because I feel as if I am constantly checking and rechecking their words or actions. Any time my mother gets frustrated with me, I instantly feel like I have failed and start defending myself. This has caused much strife between my mother and I. It has also tainted my relationships with friends. Sometimes, I feel so insecure and afraid I don’t want to be around any one at all. I want to push all my friends away and have everyone leave me alone. The worst time is when I feel this way with my significant other. I simply cannot allow myself to trust him even though I want to. I feel torn, unsure and scared. I am constantly checking and rechecking his words and actions. I constantly feel like I am not good enough. I have this huge fear of being compared to his ex girlfriends and I will never allow myself to accept a compliment from him, or anyone for that matter. I feel as if I can’t get my mind to be at peace. I just want to be able to trust someone and not constantly doubt them. I want to be able to feel ok with having someone be in my life and not feel the urge to run them off.

I have not sought any medical attention since I do not want to make a big deal out of it with my family. I have tried researching what disorder or phobia might be causing these symptoms with no luck. Do you have any insights, opinions or information that could help me get over this constant uncertainty?

A. I am not certain exactly what you meant by the expression “constantly checking and re-checking” the words and actions of others. Does that mean that you are questioning them about what they’re saying? Are you attempting to ensure that what they’re saying is accurate? It would’ve been helpful to have had a more thorough explanation of what you meant by that phrase.

Your inability to trust may be your way of attempting to protect yourself from being hurt. It seems as though you are constantly in a defensive mode. Individuals who are characteristically defensive often are that way because they don’t like to be wrong. Being wrong, in their mind, might equate to being “no good.” They don’t take criticism easily and feel as though it is an affront to the core of their being.

At the heart of the problem may be a lack of confidence. If you don’t feel good about yourself, then what others say about you may be perceived as an attack. This hypersensitivity to criticism may be part of the problem.

This problem is “severely hindering your life.” For that reason, I would highly recommend counseling. You stated that you do not want to “make a big deal out” out of this problem but left untreated, you risk ruining every important relationship in your life. Without those relationships, you will be unhappy. You may only need a few counseling sessions to adjust your thinking. I hope you will consider counseling. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Commitment-Phobic?


I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months…One month of which was when he broke up with me in late March and we got back together in late April.
When I first met him, he said something along the lines of “Girls are LUCKY if they ever meet my friends and family.” I didn’t give much thought to it, because I thought, well, maybe he’s just saying that.
When we broke up in March, he dumped me saying I had too many demands and he couldn’t provide the love that I needed. When we got back together in late April, it turned out that he said he did a lot of thinking and couldn’t let me go because he “saw me in his future.” Still in love with him, I got back together with him.
Well, one day, I was cleaning his room (which I HAVE NEVER done for another man in my life ever before–I wanted to show him how special he is) and I noticed two hairpins on his end table that were not mine. I also noticed that the condoms he said “he ran out and bought because he was afraid of getting me pregnant while I started the birth control pills” were suddenly gone from the windowsill where they were a week ago…..I hate to say it, but 2 months into our relationship, we weren’t using condoms, and we still aren’t. (I got tested last week and am clear…but now I’m rethinking the non condom thing…stupid..I know).
So, my suspicions started. The next week, alone in his room (He lets me stay alone and sleep in in his apartment when we go out sun night, or a week night while he works–I have a weird not-too-typical schedule). So, I snooped. Yes. I did:( And, in a suitcase he uses as extra storage for his clothes, I found the clinic condoms that had been taken from the windowsill along with a box of Trojans (a ten count box) with only 4 condoms left. There was also an empty Trojan wrapper in with the rest of the condoms. Along with that, were my earrings and panties I had left a week before. Keep in mind, we have not used a condom since March, and before we got back together in April he moved from one apartment to a new one. Next, yes, snooped again:(, I checked his wallet (He didn’t bring it to work with him–just cash in his pocket). In his wallet was a condom and a card to an escort in the area he lives.
The following week when he got up to use the bathroom, I looked back in the wallet, and I noticed an additional condom put into the wallet (one was missing from the pocket in the suitcase) and the escort card was gone. I confronted him about all the condoms, and the wrapper, but I never mentioned the escort card–I still don’t know why I didn’t.
His explanations were: “Those were old clinic condoms I put back in there that we were gonna use.” Then he said the box was old and he just found it recently. When I pressed him about the condom wrapper, he said it was old. I said “Then why is the lube wet in it?” He finally said, in April, before we got back together, that he slept with a one night stand from a bar, and that must be the wrapper from the one night stand. He said silicone lube can stay wet if enclosed in a dark suitcase. True. I called the condom company, and they confirmed it can happen if its in a dark place:( yes, I know, already, sounds like I don’t trust him. When I asked about the wallet, he said that he carries condoms in his wallet because his brother who suffers from schizophrenia (paranoid type) checks his wallet to see if he has condoms every time he visits him to make sure that he is protected during sex because if he doesn’t he’ll tell the mother and the mother will get angry because he already got a girl pregnant. (I also know about his son and his sons mom–he visits every Friday, sometimes fri and sat). I said, “well doesn’t your brother know we do it at your place, and you’re with me?” He said, “He doesn’t believe things he cannot see.”
Okay, so that’s that part of it. Now, he won’t introduce me to his family because he says that it has to be over a year until I meet them. he says he won’t introduce me to his friends because, well, before we got back together in April, he said I needed “tweaking” I told him to accept me like I am or not, and then he stopped saying that when we got back together. Then he said his friends are busy all the time, and now he says I can’t meet them, because his friends are “stupid.” Okay, so we go on dates, but since we’ve been arguing about these issues, he rarely initiates calling me/texting me–unless I ask repeatedly. He says its because, every time I have seen him in the past two months, we have had a disagreement.
When I have confronted him, he says he does this with every girlfriend he has been with–it takes a while to meet ppl he knows.
I feel confused. The not calling, texting, and the random circumstantial evidence in his room–is it cheating? Or is it just typical guy forgetfulness sloppiness and distance from fighting too much?
And not introducing….does he really do this with everyone, or is it just with me? because I’m embarrassing, or a dirty little secret on the side? Please help! My last long term relationship was highly physically abusive (he knows this) and I just want a loving fulfilled one. Although, I still have extreme anxiety–I’m not perfect at all, either.

A: Hmmm – Let’s review: Hairpins that are not yours, condoms you aren’t using are missing, new condoms have been used and the wrapper for one is there, he is with his ex every Friday when he visits his son, and keeps a rubber in his wallet to keep his brother happy. Won’t introduce you to his friends or family and rarely calls or texts you.

What is it you love about this guy?

The bottom line is you just want a loving, fulfilled relationship. Without assuming he will change one bit — can you tolerate everything the way it is? If not, it is time to give him his walking papers.

But if you can tolerate it, a couples counselor may be necessary to help with the issues. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you find one in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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